Finding My Voice: A Personal Journey

Hey everyone! Today, I want to share something deeply personal, as this has been a significant issue in my life for many years. The words of my parents have stayed with me, shaping my growth and development. While I still love them, I’ve found myself disheartened by their behavior.

Let me start by explaining my background. My parents were teenage parents. One gave up their childhood to join the military, while the other faced the challenges of motherhood while still very young. Then I came along.

As I embarked on my healing journey, I sought counseling to understand how I could improve myself. My counselor posed a series of questions that compelled me to reflect deeply on my feelings and experiences. I started to question why I had been treated the way I was and began to ask my parents about their childhood, their lives after having children, and how they approached raising my sister and me.

Through these conversations, I unearthed certain beliefs I had developed based on my parents’ upbringing of us. I also recognized that they still harbor some resentment about becoming teenage parents and struggle with their past mistakes in today's world.

As a result, I made the difficult decision to cut off contact with one of my parents due to an immediate threat in that situation. The other parent, I recently realized, is grappling with addiction. There’s no denying it. When my son came home from college, this parent asked him to buy something he wasn’t legally allowed to purchase. He was reluctant to see them, and when he approached me about it, I encouraged him to go, hoping to mend the relationship. I accompanied him to ensure his safety.

When we arrived, things took a turn. This parent reacted harshly, expecting something that didn’t happen. They expressed to my son and my daughter, their grandchildren, that they didn’t care about their lives because they believed they were the “rulers” of the family due to their age. They even said they didn’t care if they died because they knew what they wanted.

This shattered my daughter’s heart, and my son has been actively avoiding thinking about that situation since. However, my daughter, whom I often refer to as my “mini me” for her strength, decided to confront their grandparent. She told them how hurtful their words were and explained that if they didn’t quit their addiction, they would lose their relationship with her.

Fast forward to yesterday: I spoke to my parent, and they apologized, acknowledging their addiction and realizing how their words have affected our family. However, in the same breath, they believed my daughter was wrong for wanting to distance herself, claiming they were wasting precious time.

In her message to them, my daughter expressed her frustration about being guilt-tripped into doing what they wanted under the pretense of gifts. When we don’t comply, they make us feel bad. I reminded my parents of this, yet they still couldn’t grasp that a child might choose to distance themselves because of their addiction.

Reflecting on my life, the conversations I’ve had with my parents and my children have led me to realize that this is just how they operate. They were raised in a certain way, carrying trauma from their childhood that they have never healed from. They believe it’s acceptable to behave this way, and because they are the adults, everyone should follow their lead.

For years, I sought validation from my parents. I felt there was something wrong with me for not receiving the approval I longed for. I observed them supporting others they deemed in the wrong while criticizing my positive choices. It was painful to witness their lack of support for my good endeavors.

But here’s the light at the end of the tunnel: After answering the questions honestly and reflecting on my experiences, I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve been to the doctor, and aside from high cholesterol, I’m healthy and well.

So, I sit here today, determined to inspire others to be themselves, regardless of the support they receive. Even if my parents don’t recognize it, I can feel their resentment towards me. I’m not perfect in their eyes, but I am who I am. I will continue to embrace that and uplift those around me.

Here’s a challenge for you: Think about the relationships in your life that affect your self-worth. How can you shift your perspective on those situations?

And as you consider this, remember this inspiring quote: “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi.

Let’s continue to grow and support each other on this journey!