In the dance of chaos, we find our rhythm of growth.

Life can be really tough sometimes, like a big roller coaster ride. It can feel like I have to break down who I am to start fresh and become a better person. When I hit rock bottom, I realized it wasn’t the end; it was just the beginning of something new and exciting.

There’s a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche that says, "One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star." This means that sometimes, we have to go through messy and hard times to let something beautiful grow inside us. I often felt scared to change because I liked what I knew. But to get better, I had to face the tough stuff first. Sometimes, this meant going even lower than I thought I could, which helped me let go of parts of me that didn’t help anymore.

Going through hard times can be scary and lonely, but it’s important. To let the light back in, I had to face my problems and fears. When I went through this tough time, I didn’t lose myself; I found a stronger and wiser version of me.

Now, let me tell you about my own dance with chaos. I had a parent that I loved a lot. We did everything together, and they taught me so many things. I’m really grateful for our time together. But things changed, and it was sad because I learned what they were really doing.

One day, I talked to my parent about my struggles. I wanted them to understand, but I found out I wasn’t being clear. They said they would help me if I did some things for them. I tried my best because I really needed their help. But when it came time for them to help me, they made excuses, and it hurt. I felt angry and sad, and I didn’t know what to do. Because I didn’t get the help I was promised, I tried to ask strangers for help, which was a really bad idea. I put myself in dangerous situations, and I had two little kids who needed me.

In the end, I lost almost everything except my kids. I had no money, no car, and nowhere to live. But I knew I couldn’t give up because my kids deserved better. Even after not getting the help I needed, I still went back to my parent, hoping for support. But every time, they made excuses and made me feel like a failure. I cried a lot, trying to understand why they treated me this way.

Then one day, I decided I needed to change. I wanted to show my kids that we could get through this together. I took a long, hard look at my life and started making a plan to fix what was wrong. 

Even when I needed help again, my parent treated me the same way. They didn’t realize that their words hurt me deeply. They said things like, "You are alive, and I don’t owe you anything." Those words made me realize that I had to cut them out of my life. I had tried so hard to show them that I wasn’t a failure, but they only saw my chaos. 

I learned that not all parents care for their children like I do for mine. Because of my experiences, I treat my kids in a way that makes sure they feel heard and loved. I learned how to treat people better because of what I went through. I discovered I am capable of much more than I thought, and I raised two amazing kids who respect themselves.

Now, I’m definitely a stronger person than I was before. My kids, who are now 18 and 19, believe they can achieve their dreams because of my determination. 

If you find yourself in a tough spot, remember that it’s okay to ask for help and to change. Here are some steps to find balance in your life:

1. Talk About Your Feelings: Find someone you trust to share your thoughts and feelings with.
2. Make a Plan: Write down what you want to change and how to do it.
3. Take Small Steps: Focus on one thing at a time so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
4. Celebrate Your Progress: No matter how small, celebrate every step you take toward your goals.

If you’re looking for help to sort through your feelings, I have hardcover journals that can help you strategize and clear the confusion around these emotional subjects. You are not alone in your journey, and it’s never too late to start again! Embrace the chaos, because it can lead to something beautiful in your life.