Standing Up: A Journey of Unmet Needs and Finding Independence

Throughout my life, I’ve encountered countless instances where my needs were overlooked. Even when I reached out for support during some of my toughest moments as a parent to two young children, I discovered that many people were only willing to help when it suited them or when their perspectives aligned with mine.

I often joke that if I had walked into a welfare office with visible signs of distress—a black eye, missing teeth, and messy hair—I would have received plenty of assistance. Instead, because I maintained a composed appearance—my children behaved well, I stood tall, and I articulated my needs clearly—I frequently faced dismissal. This ongoing neglect from family, potential friends, and even significant others was disheartening.

A common refrain I heard was, “You look capable.” While I was indeed capable, that didn’t lessen the reality of my struggles. I found myself in need due to circumstances beyond my control, simply seeking a safe place to call home. The dismissals continued, with some accusing me of being a scammer, as if my situation was too implausible to believe I wasn’t already receiving help. Ultimately, I stopped asking for assistance altogether.

The most painful experience arose from a parental figure who exploited my vulnerabilities. I confided in them, believing I had a safe space. When I expressed my needs, they would promise support but later backtrack with excuses or use my past struggles against me. “If you had just listened to me,” they would twist my desperation into a weapon. Despite following their advice, I suffered immensely, and my cries for help went unheard.

In my despair, I believed this was simply how life was meant to be, a pattern that had followed me since childhood. I didn’t realize then that the trauma I experienced as a child impacted my cognitive development, influencing my responses as an adult to align with the expectations set by that abusive parental figure.

It took a long time for me to accept that the world could treat me differently than they did.

After enduring this cycle for thirteen long years in my adult life with my children, I finally reached my breaking point. I came to the painful realization that this person, who was meant to care for me, had actually hindered my growth rather than providing support. They made me believe that their minimal, and often absent, efforts were all I deserved from a parent. As a pastor, I had hoped they would embody compassion, yet their own agenda consistently overshadowed my suffering.

They would often say, “I will not accept responsibility for someone else’s actions,” a statement that conveniently extended to their inaction, allowing them to justify breaking both verbal and written promises. When I finally mustered the strength to confront them, I was exhausted and, looking back, nearly dead (if I had chosen to suffer through this medical emergency in hope of recovering, I would not be here today).

It was a heartbreaking moment, as I never imagined I would lose this parent not to death but to their indifference. They were oblivious to my suffering in my attempts to please them. The situation became so dire that I had to teach my children how to interact with this grandparent to avoid their wrath. Standing my ground ultimately cost me that relationship. While it was painful, I now prefer the life I have over what I endured back then.

Interestingly, during this challenging period, I began to receive kindness from strangers. I often liken it to Annie arriving at Daddy Warbucks' home, seeking to earn her keep. These individuals, unaware of my full story, recognized my need and stepped in to help. Their generosity illuminated the stark contrast between genuine support and the manipulation I had experienced. I realized I had been caught in someone else’s game, a realization that was both liberating and painful.

I still grapple with the loss of this parent while they are alive. I often reflect on their recurring statement: “If you can make it through me, you can make it through anything.” I’ve proven that to be true, as no one will ever hurt me as deeply as this person has. Yet, I still question whether my actions were justified and whether the kindness of strangers was genuine. There were moments when I felt I was losing my grip on reality. In those times, my therapist was my only confidant; I felt I had no one else to share the weight of my situation.

Once I understood the dynamics at play, I realized I had been inadvertently teaching my children unhealthy behaviors based on that parental figure’s guidance. I knew I had to unlearn those behaviors and help my kids do the same. I have been open and honest with my children about our situation. While it is unfortunate, it has also become a valuable lesson for all of us.

Recognizing these patterns has significantly transformed our lives.

From my experiences, I want to share some insights for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation. Here are some tips for recovering from draining relationships while maintaining your independence and embracing vulnerability:

1. Recognize Your Needs: Take time to identify what you truly need—be it emotional support, financial assistance, or simply a listening ear. Understanding your needs is the first step toward advocating for yourself.

2. Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with those who take advantage of your vulnerability. Don’t hesitate to say no or distance yourself from toxic relationships.

3. Seek Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with individuals who genuinely care for you and respect your needs. Look for those who support you without judgment or manipulation.

4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that nourish your mind and body, and seek professional help if needed.

5. Stay Open to Vulnerability: While it’s important to be cautious, remember that vulnerability can lead to deeper connections. Trust your instincts about who to let into your life.

6. Learn from the Past: Reflect on your experiences to identify red flags in relationships. This self-awareness will empower you to make healthier choices moving forward.

7. Communicate Clearly: When you need help, express your needs clearly and assertively. You deserve to have your voice heard.

8. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Each step toward independence is significant.

Though the journey can be painful, remember that you are not alone. There are people who genuinely care and want to support you. By taking control of your narrative and seeking out supportive relationships, you can create a life that honors your needs and aspirations.